Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What I Know:

Right now, in this moment, I am afraid I am not witty enough to be a blogger. Not edgy enough. That I will never be able to do the all-important snappy dialogue, Gilmore Girls style. Who will read this? Am I wasting my time? Am I really that narcissistic that it should matter? Is that what this is really about?

As a teenager, I used to write lists of things I knew for sure.

What I Know... the list would begin. I know I got an A+ for my English exam. I know I hate my mum's Townhouse Chicken Casserole. I know I smoked three menthol cigarettes today.

There was something concrete in that. Something as comforting as "Anne of Green Gables" after a nightmare. It stopped me from being afraid.

And I'm afraid now.

It's embarrassing to admit it. Already. Post number one and she is having a bad day.

So here: I am afraid I won't be able to handle this infertility business. I am afraid that this is just the beginning of the heartbreaks; that it's going to get worse before it gets better, that this is nothing but a taste of what I'm going to endure when the IVFs begin. I am afraid that I will take it out on people, that they will think me bitter and manipulative and cold, when really I am just sad.

And most of all, I am afraid I will never be a mother.

What I Know:
Writing it down doesn't make it go away.




1 Comments:

At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Meg, and welcome to blogging. I hope your stay as an infertility blogger is short and sweet!

You WILL be a mother if you really want to be. Please know that. I was told that five years ago and didn't believe it. Now I know that being a mother is, in the end, a choice. Even if you are infertile and cannot get pregnant or carry a child to term, you can still be very much a mother.

Good luck with the SA. I will be back to check on your results--and wish you lots of happy swimmers.
xoxo

Karen
Naked Ovary

 

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