What I Know:

Right now, in this moment, I am afraid I am not witty enough to be a blogger. Not edgy enough. That I will never be able to do the all-important snappy dialogue, Gilmore Girls style. Who will read this? Am I wasting my time? Am I really that narcissistic that it should matter? Is that what this is really about?

As a teenager, I used to write lists of things I knew for sure.

What I Know... the list would begin. I know I got an A+ for my English exam. I know I hate my mum's Townhouse Chicken Casserole. I know I smoked three menthol cigarettes today.

There was something concrete in that. Something as comforting as "Anne of Green Gables" after a nightmare. It stopped me from being afraid.

And I'm afraid now.

It's embarrassing to admit it. Already. Post number one and she is having a bad day.

So here: I am afraid I won't be able to handle this infertility business. I am afraid that this is just the beginning of the heartbreaks; that it's going to get worse before it gets better, that this is nothing but a taste of what I'm going to endure when the IVFs begin. I am afraid that I will take it out on people, that they will think me bitter and manipulative and cold, when really I am just sad.

And most of all, I am afraid I will never be a mother.

What I Know:
Writing it down doesn't make it go away.