reasons

The day after we got the devastating ain't nearly enough sperm news, I went to see a psychic.

I know. Incorrigible.

But I do this. I do it every time there's a crisis. People in the industry talk about people like me as being their worst clients. We rush in, expecting immediate answers, unwilling to put in the hard yards of real spiritual development. We never follow up. We just want to be told what to do; what's going to happen.

Yep. They're right.

But for me it's also about needing to know the reason. You know, the big reason why things happen. Somewhat linked to the idea of things being meant to be. No matter how many "psychics" don't tell me this, I always hope the next one will.

My brain knows I have to let go of this one. Things do not necessarily happen for a reason. It's entirely adolescent to think they do. It's completely ignorant. The only thing it reveals really is that in one's own naivety, one has absolutely no sensitivity to the very awful, very real ordeals of other people. Yes, bad shit happens to good people, as they say. Some things can't be justified by pseudo-spiritual new-age blah. War? Natural disaster? Third world poverty? Terminal illness?

(And no, I'm not sure the idea of reincarnation IS enough.)

Yet despite this, there's still a little part of me that needs to believe it. It really does. And it's totally out of my control. I've tried to tell it to go swallow an eyeball, but it won't. It's a tenacious little bugger of a belief.

With that in mind, I ask you to humour me for a moment...

Now listen up, you, you crazy irrational belief. We are infertile. Why US?

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Answer: There is no reason.

So then what?

Do I just grieve teary-eyed and ashamed in supermarket queues for the rest of my life, or until this yucky, freaky IVF/ICSI business brings us our child?

Or do I take a deep breath, and ask myself: Well, what good can I take from this? This thing without a reason?

How can I give this my own purpose?