i would explain
how when the assistant principal called me on thursday i knew it could not be good that she called his death unexpected and it wasn't not to me
how no one wanted to use the s word not even the school psychologist who put a pile of pamphlets on the table and told us that we needed the three t's today - talking touch and tears and she was so excited to be finally busy and useful that i wanted to punch her in the face
how i had his work on my desk and i had to look at it and he only wrote three sentences and then i found out that tuesdays exam was his last straw and that he had tried tuesday night after the exam but it didnt work and no one had done anything
how then i remembered how he had put up his hand and i had walked over to him and he said to me what if i don't get it and i said do what you can and i just blew it off because i thought it was his own fault for not preparing and how he looked so helpless and so desperate and i looked across later and he was slumped in his seat and i didn't do anything
how i knew the question was too hard how i didn't fight hard enough to change it and if i wasn't so distracted about the ivf maybe i would've had more of an eye on my job because i have been a crap teacher lately and i knew it
how my brain says no one does this because they fail an exam and that he was so disturbed that i had made jokes to my husband and my mother about him being like the trench coat mafia and i know its not my fault but
how i was even afraid of him for the first couple of weeks and god i am so sorry i am an adult i am supposed to be bigger than that
how he was so different and so striking and sometimes so hostile and there is no friends to grieve him and how on the camp he asked to be in my group and tried so hard to be friendly tried so hard to be changed
how i had to tell some of my colleagues and i was so conscious of my face and i didn't know what to do with it when they broke down and i patted them on the shoulder
how i wonder will they put up a poster in the office and put up flowers and will i have to do a spread in the school magazine so all the kids can pretend as if they liked him as if they were his best mate
how i feel like i cannot should not be upset because god his poor family, his cheerful brother i cannot even imagine what they are going through but still all your words of support in my comments are appreciated because it is hard anyway
and how i know that nothing i could've said would have changed all the hidden angry sadness of his nineteen years
but how i wish i had said it anyway
5 Comments:
I am so sorry. When someone we know passes like that I think we all wish we could have done something before to help. It is a terrible time. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
Take care
I've never gone through anything like that so I have trouble thinking of any encouraging words. I do know that we do the best can at that particular moment in time. The decisions we make are the best ones based on the knowledge that we have. I wish you all the strength to try to get through this very difficult time. Take care.
Oh Meg. There's no point in telling you not to feel like that. Your feelings and thoughts are valid and real. We women are good at blaming ourselves. Beating ourselves up for thinking that we should have could have done something!
Wish I could give you a big hug.
Your brain is right, no one does such a thing over a failed exam. An event like this is so shocking, no one can help but thinking if they could have prevented it.
In hindsight, the signs may seem glaringly obvious, but at the time they're not.
Many young people despair over bad exams or have trouble making friends, but only very few decide to end their life.
Generally, most humans could do a lot more, be a lot more and give a lot more - but only he could save himself. Try not to carry this weight on your shoulders...
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